Tibetans, who widely scattered around the world celebrated the 74th birthday of my lama, Tenzin Gyatso. Fifty years have gone sadly since my people left their land in 1959, when my lama escaped from Tibet with thousands of Tibetans. It has been a painful and agonizing 50 years of exile Tibetans, who haven’t seen their country or met their brothers and sisters, still living in Tibet. This journey has been a long struggle; 50 years has vanished as Tibetans waited to see each other, living in isolation and loneliness. Today, the grandsons and granddaughters of the original Tibetans celebrated my lama’s birthday using traditional dance and songs. It is the 50th historical landmark anniversary for this event.

My lama, Tenzin Gyatso was very young when he escaped from Tibet. But he was fully mature and very talented and determined. Just as he planned and thought at the beginning of the exiled years, we started to build schools, monasteries and settlements for preserving Tibetan culture, language and traditions. The new exiled Tibetans worked diligently to extend its long-sighted struggle to regain their freedom. However, despite all our efforts we still have far to go.

My lama, Tenzin Gyatso launched the Tibetan struggle with non-violence. How wide and useful this path? How many Tibetans really stepped on this path with him? These are the questions that Tibetans should ask of themselves because that is where the answer will be found. My lama is the only one who practiced this approach and followed it deeply. Based on past historical experiences and long sighted future prediction, my lama offered the gift of democracy to my people. Whether the flaw is the system or the receiver, it is yet to be discovered. The execution of democracy is still immature even though we have judiciary, legislature and executive branch.

As early as 1974, my lama was considering the middle way approach but he personally announced it in 1979. Many difficulties and obstacles made themselves known during the political journey. The middle way approach was partially reduced to the issue of regional autonomy during the present Kalon Tripa and his administration. But this is an issue that remains in the hearts and minds of all Tibetans since they are still not guaranteed this regional autonomy, and their hopes and expectations for the future are grander with more of the middle way approach becoming reality for them. In my personal view, this new strategy is like a drawing; you can see but can’t feel it. The value of this drawing will be decided by Chinese government.

After my lama paved the path of Non-violent struggle, Tibetan democracy system, Sino-Tibetan dialogue and Tibetan cultural preservations, he reached the age of 74. His age is a heavy burden of worry for Tibetans, living inside and outside. As he grows older, we need more preparation for the future and education for keeping the Tibetan struggle strong. But many of us don’t have enough preparation because we only do personal things in our daily lives. When I think of it again and again, I feel tired. I have seen unexpected images of disrespect for my lama. This is something that my ancestors never expected to see in their lives. But there are a few young Tibetans, who strongly speak against my lama without proper knowledge. Keeping these thoughts in mind, I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders as my lama, Tenzin Gyatso turns 74. I weep.

My summer job has finished for the day, but work for my visa and other document has just begun. I often feel that there is always another burden blocking my way after climbing over the previous block. It is a worldly problem for every refugee who has lost his or her land. Unlike the avg. college student, I have to carry extra bags on my shoulders. That is why I decided to go to Oslo tonight. I phoned my Tibetan friends living there, who had been nice, kind and helpful to me during my previous visit. So I feel safe, secure and free.

After I collected all the required documents for my visa, I opened my computer to watch Kungleng Television (VOA). Tonight, the topic was about addressing China to release Filmmaker, Dhondup Wangchen. I had watched his film Leaving Fear Behind (www.leavingfearbehind.com/film-makers.html) last year. His loyalty and fearless sacrifice for Tibet and its issues touched me deeply. I was so moved that I had shown a part of his film to the audience during the “World Today” debate between the Tibetan and Chinese students in the United World College, in Norway. Tonight, his wife, lhamo Tso, was the guest speaker on Kunleng (VOA). I hadn’t seen or met her in person, but I had known only this much about her: she was struggling to make a living for her family by selling Amdo Palae (Palae means bread in English) in Dharamsala.

This was the first time I had seen her or heard her voice. She answered the first question with an anguished cry that caught my attention. I listened to the following questions carefully and silently. When The Kunleng reporter questioned the validity of the report, which claimed that Dhondup Wangchen suffered from lung cancer while in prison, she raised her cracking and crying voice and said that “he is very healthy and has no problem with his health, but it is like sticking a sharp knife in my heart when I hear that unbelievable news.” Again she cried, her voice deepening, but she didn’t stop to answer. This time, I reacted to her tears with my own. I swept my tears, kept my eyes on her continuously. As she spoke, I felt her strong courage, her feelings of isolation, and her sorrows.

Dhondup Wangchen’s wife has so many burdens to carry upon her shoulders: sending her children to school, worrying about their future, caring for her parents- in- law, waking up early in the morning to sell bread to meet her family’s basic necessities. In addition, she worries about her husband’s health and living condition in the Chinese prison. Every single moment when she thinks of his sufferings, she feels like beating her own heart. She has to swallow her tears and stand tall to confront all the difficulties in her daily life. When I think of these difficulties chasing this exiled and lonely lady, I start to cry. Even though we can’t boil down the sorrows in her heart, we can try to support and encourage her and her family.

In August 2007, I met Samdhong Rinpoche. I left Dharamsala for his residency on a rainy September morning;the small hill of Dharamsala was covered in fog. I woke up a bit earlier than usual and prepared the things that I needed to take with me. I put my thesis, which discussing Sino-Tibetan Dialogue and one kilo of apples in my school bag. I walked toward the resident house of the ministers (Kalon Laishak). Kalon Tripa’s driver and body guard were waiting outside of main gate when I arrived there. They greeted me before I entered the gate even though we don’t know each other personally.

I entered Kalon Tripa’s house and his personal secretary was waiting for me in the living room. Kalon Tripa was taking his morning breakfast in his private quarter. It was eight twenty. As I waited, his personal secretary offered me tea which I gratefully accepted. His personal secretary and I talked about variety of topics. His personal secretary is a short man, with a kind face, an enthusiastic manner, and a gentle voice. He is a man of few words but important, in-depth thoughts. He explained himself with clarity and listened to my unshaped opinions carefully. He left at eighty thirty for a meeting and asked me to wait for a few minutes.

I was bit nervous, shaky and excited. After three minutes, Kalon Tripa came out from his private quarter. I introduced myself to him and handed him my thesis about Sino-Tibetan Dialogue. He sat down on the sofa and looked at his pocket watch. It was eight thirty five. He reflected for a while then started to talk.

He said, “There are mainly four requirements to make a meaningful life. You should try to attempt to acquire these requirements in your youth. The first requirement is physical health. Even if you are a professor who is rich or a talented person who is wealthy, you cannot do much if you are not healthy. You especially can’t contribute your efforts to human society if you have a health problem. Sometimes people ignore their physical health when they are young. But its effect will show itself eventually when a person ages. That is why, if you are thinking about having a long life with a successful future and serving human society, you should care for your health”. I nodded and sipped the tea gently.

He continued to talk, “The second requirement is your future goal. It is very crucial to have a goal in your life. It is better to decide your goal before twenty but if you can’t then it must be done before twenty five, because, the earlier you decided your goal, the better. The tremendous efforts and times that you spend working for your goal will not be wasted and damaged. Having this in mind, you should decide your goal as early as possible to enhance your education and skills in order to obtain your goal and have a successful future. I am not saying that you should keep one goal in mind. You can keep several goals in your mind and make these clear in your mind.”
He learned forward,looked me in the eye and continued. ” As a young Tibetan in this period of exile, you should have a goal to become active in Tibetan struggle and serve exiled community in the future. Moreover, whatever subject you study, you should maintain good knowledge of Tibetan language and culture. It is also especially crucial for young Tibetans, like you, to learn Chinese as well”

I took down notes and listened carefully. He looked at me and kept talking, “The third requirement is self knowledge. Whatever you do in your life, self knowledge plays a vital role in your life and the decisions you make will stay with you your whole life. To become a highly talented and mature human being, you should have a good self knowledge in your daily life. Self knowledge prevents you from making mistakes and shields you from difficulties. In a nutshell, think before you act. If you meet these three requirements, I am sure that you can have a successful life but I am not sure about meaningful life. “Meaningful life” is something a bit different from “successful life” in my view”.

To have a meaningful life, you should have an altruistic mind for other beings. If you have this quality on top of other three requirements, then you can make a meaningful life”. When he came to this point, he again looked at his pocket watch. It was exactly 9:00am. He gently said good bye in a manner that told me he had enjoyed our time and was sad to leave, but he rose and left for his office and the task at hand.

Note: ( I wrote this article in Tibetan and published on www.khabdha.org in 2008).

Few weeks ago, I heard that some Tibetan writers in exile, had peacefully denounced Wang Li Xiong during a meeting organized by Pen Tibetan Writers organization, during his visit to Dharamsala . Shortly after, I talked with Woeser through Skype. She told me that “I was deeply unhappy when I heard about the assertion to my husband but later personally took it as a good experience ”. Then, we didn’t have a chance to talk for several weeks. Later I saw her article “Democracy must have some moral obligations” on Tibet times and heard it from Radio Free Asia.

And after I finished reading it, we had a chance to talk on Skype again.
One inspiring and pleasant thing about our conversation was that, she can speak Tibetan quite fluently now and we are able to exchange our ideas and thoughts using the Tibetan language. But she said “still I can’t speak Tibetan properly but my Tibetan is getting better here at Beijing than in Lhasa. I personally feel embarrassed about my inability to speak Tibetan well.”

We talked for more than one hour but I am not going to share all of it. I would only like to discuss the awaking thought of her article “Democracy must to have some moral obligations “ and at the same time personally take responsibility for any misunderstanding, disorganization and misconception that might occur in this article .

As Woser talked about the awaking thought of “Democracy must have some moral obligations: “at the beginning as I told you last time, when I heard about their unreasonable and disprovable talks like Wan Li Xion is a spy, cheater, Tibetan issue user, presidential adviser and hit man, I was personally was not happy about it but kept thinking passionately that it was not necessary to answer. But unfortunately later, whether it was from these five Exile five who spoke strongly against my husband or Tibetan society there, the issue was brought up again and spread widely through newspapers, videos and radio programs. For instance, Tibetan Amdo section in RFA had discussions and news broad casting about it. As result of it, many Tibetans in Amdo in Tibet had heard it and they telephoned and emailed me for my opinion.

Moreover, it was translated and published in Namlo Yaks Chinese blog. But after few days, when I returned to read it, it wasn’t no longer there and completely erased. I personally don’t have any idea why he translated it, put it up and then later erased it. Moreover, because the issue appeared on Tibetan websites, blogs, and radio plus in Chinese blogs as well, many of my Chinese friends starting asking me about it more and more.

I met with Chinese police few days ago because I wrote many articles about the recent uprising in Ugur. They informed me that “your husband was accused in Dharamsala “. But I didn’t answer them and kept my silence. However, there were many misconceptions and rumors circulating as other side kept firing up the issue.

After thinking it over many times, I felt that it was better to write something to make people to know my opinions and feelings about the matter. You are living in a democratic society so you have a more solid knowledge about democracy than me. Democracy is not only talking about right or wrong, it also entails obligation and duties.
It is a right that implies responsibility: and every opportunity – an obligation, and every possession – a duty. Exercising the right of freedom of expression and doing nothing for it is not qualified democracy. Of course they can go against my husband critically and evidentially, but if they don’t have evidence or proof to show then it is unreasonable and irresponsible. Whatever they are writer and educated people, so at least they should have moral obligation about their saying.

If educated Tibetans talk without a base of research and evidence then our society will never mature or even have a chance to grow up. And sometimes I feel that only blaming others is a disease in our society and we should get rid of that disease. However these diseases are never helpful for us. Here I am just sharing my personal views about what happened during my husband’s visit to Dharamsala. But I am not opposing these Tibetan writers nor talking about their motivations.

Note: (( I wrote this article in Tibetan and published on www.khabdha.org and www.tibettimes.net few weeks ago. later Woeser asked me to translate this into English. So I tried to translate )

China, don’t confuse yourselves.
Tibetans are not demanding independence,
Even though it was once an independent country in the heart of Asia.
Tibetans are only asking for genuine autonomy, not a decision which will split the country.
Tibetans are seeking a peace and justice that any citizen of the world needs and respects.
Tibetans are requesting something that will be of mutual benefit for future generations.

China, don’t spread confusion.
Tibetans are not attempting to rip apart your constitution.
In fact they are respecting 175 articles are already written into it.
They only expect you as a government to uphold your own constitutional articles.
Tibetans are asking you to progress human rights using your own hands.
Tibetans are asking you to preserve their culture using your own hands.
Tibetans are waiting for you to negotiate with The Dalai Lama.

China, don’t create confusion.
Tibetans don’t want to display the sad notes of Sino-Tibetan history again,
Even though you are aware of it but always try to hide it.
Tibetans know that the Past brings only tears, pain, and sadness to them.
Tibetans want to talk about the present situation in a way that it will lead to a positive future.

China, don’t think that Tibetans are confused.
The strength of Tibetan peaceful struggle will never diminish even though you continue to destroy their bodies.
Tibetans will never be divided even though you try to sow poisonous seeds among them.
Tibetans, are in fact, becoming stronger and stronger like the tide of a Wild Ocean.
The tidal wave of the Tibetan struggle will not be broken by your false oceanic winds.

China, don’t think others are confused.
Tibetan issue will not vanish even after The DaLai Lama’s demise.
Tibetan issue can not be solved without The Dalai Lama and his leadership.
For The Dalai Lama is the key of Tibetan issue.
Do not blame Tibetan spiritual soul and Yeshi Norbu (The Dalai Lama)
If you so despise The Dalai Lama and continue to go against Him,
You will be missing a golden path that can link us together.
You will be missing a meaningful talk about a future together.

China, don’t be confused about us.
Tibetans know that you have power but no principle.
You have force but no truth.
Killing, beatings and bloodshed are daily experiences now in Tibet.
Tibetans are losing their culture, language and tradition under your brutal rule.
Thousands of Tibetans flee from Tibet to India every year.
Tibetans are becoming a minority in their own home.
But
Tibetans do not want to sow blood and use violence to bring forth a solution.
Tibetans do not want to engage in a bloody war to bring an understanding of future.
Tibetans do not want to rewrite bloody papers on Sino-Tibetan History.

China, don’t be confused about the future.
If one day, our passion and tolerance no longer exists,
Then there will be no chance for a solution.
So, let’s talk sincerely and respectfully.
Let’s talk with mutual understanding.
Let’s solve our problem before The Dalai Lama’s demise.

China,
don’t be confusing.
don’t spread confusion.
don’t create confusion.
don’t think that Tibetans are confused.
don’t think others are confused.
don’t be confused about us.
don’t be confused about the future.
CHINA, confusion is not an answer.

Notes.

(Here Tibetans refer Tibetans who respect HH Dalai Lamas ideas and follow his Middle way approach.)

Wake up early in the morning.
Sweep up the floor of room.
Purify the poisons of my mind.
Take a refuge in the three jewels.

I tilt my chin towards the heavens, to the blue sky,
And place two feet on the earth.
Breathe in fresh air.
Breathe out inner sorrows.

Flowers open their lips to meet the sun’s kisses.
Birds start singing to wake up nature.
Trees hand up their leaves.
Winds carry dazzling leaves of autumn.
Golden yellow leaves start falling down and swirl.
My house is in a silent meditation.
My friend is still sleeping.

My head is still in illusion.
Waking thoughts of mine are trying to see beyond conventional truth,
And seek ultimate truth.
I am struggling to taste the reality, the reality of reality.
I am trying to touch the emptiness, the emptiness of emptiness.

My illusions are still lying on the bed.
My beauty is reflected in the mirror vividly.
I wake up early in the morning.
I go to bed early in the evening.
My dreams are in and out.
My thoughts are in and out.

I am living on a small hill with my friends.
They make their lives by low wages.
They have a small house there that they rent temporarily.
Their house is nigh to ruin if wild storms and floods come.

Monsoon reached to Dharamsala very early this summer.
It may fall in morning, afternoon, or at night.
But I am sure that it falls once for every single day.
It falls, weeping to the fields and joins with brooks.
And brings some worries about flooding to the farmers.

I wake up early in the morning.
Breathe gentle breezes and smell the sweetness of flowers.
But I can’t see smiles on their faces.
They are nigh to overdrinking.
Less getting the sun’s kisses for long.

With the evening coming, our house is belted by fog.
In the morning, the fog takes off her long belt.
In the afternoon, the clouds float above the hills and valleys.
I was trying to finish my papers at my friend’s house.

When it is raining, I can see many drops of rain falling down on the ground.
They also hit on the heads of small pebbles.
These pebbles are crying and roughly rounded.
I peer out from my window.
I remember one word from my Momo (Grandmother); she once told me that
“If there are many bubbles on the ground while it is raining
it wouldn’t stop soon.”
Her lovely words still deeply touch my deep heart.

Monsoon is still there at Dharamsala.
She comes along here by crossing Himalaya.
She drops her sorrow and tears over the Dharamsala.
I clearly hear her falling tears from inside at night.
It takes away silent and peaceful sleep of mine.

Each time I think about my past, memories of horror, pain, courage and hope come to my mind and knock on the door of my heart. When I can go back to my motherland (Kawachen)? When I can get my freedom back from China?
These agonizing questions beat my heart often.
I escaped from Tibet in 1999. To cross the Himalayas, we faced a dangerous journey. It took us two weeks to get to Nepal. There were two main dangers: the geographic conditions and the risk of capture by Chinese border guards. To avoid being caught, we traveled in winter, when the snow was deep.
We went by bus at night from Lhasa to Shigatse, the second capital of Tibet. We traveled in a truck from Shigatse, again at night. From there we walked by night and hid in secluded places between rocks or in the forest during the day. We were always waiting for the darkness. Sometimes we lost our route and sometimes we lost our group. The tense feelings and the sounds of sobbing clutched me in the nights. I was the youngest in the group, so the others helped me when I needed support. The whole time we were worried about getting caught, frightened of being arrested. Out of fear and anxiety we walked very fast; we were not even allowed to smoke during the night.
On the seventh night we started crossing the major Himalayan pass. Once we crossed the pass we could travel in the daytime as there were no Chinese guards there. It was the 27th September, 1999. As we began climbing to the pass, we were met with snow. Our guide said “Now you need not fear – you are on Nepalese soil.” We crossed through the mountain pass, after which it took 6 hours to get to stone houses which were built on the other side of the snowy mountains. We stayed overnight in an empty stone house without food, waking up very early the next morning and walking to a Sherpa village. There we changed our money (Yuan) into Nepalese rupees and bought food.
Now safely in Nepal, we traveled for six days and finally got to Jiti, a small town where Nepali policemen captured us and sent us directly to the International Refugee Reception Center located in the capital, Kathmandu. When we got there, officials of the Tibet Reception Centre came to pick us up, and we were sent to Dharamsala a week later.
Our journey from Tibet through Nepal to India was full of risks and insecurity. Today, after 8 years in exile, I realize that from these risks I got encouragement to confront difficulties and problems in life. This experience also gave me a strong determination to be a good and useful human being. Each time I recall my escape; it energizes me and encourages me to challenge obstacles in my path.

Every body has an aim in his or her life; my destination is to be in the zone, of saturated treasure, a palace. A wealthy saturation I felt myself in anticipation. I need your love and sympathy in the form of precipitation. I feel you in the heaven of condensation. The lovely drops of your precipitation fall down into my brooks, later join into my blood vessels of rivers and flow to my mother of ocean deep inside my salty cradle. I know that you are so tired to travel so long a long journey to get my place through the cold dark wildness arising from the heated eruption that led to your fate flying towards my emancipating self.

Though the bridge of our love seems strong the seems that held the cloth have I have starched for so long in expectancy of our downpour. Before you reach my palace and saturate my thirst of love, some part of your souls are evaporated and transported on the journey. My fasting you quench in the gaping fangs glistering with dew unfound than in my foes mouths.

With the monsoon docked in my bay, I received your messages through the routes of surface runoff, through flow and base flow. I extremely felt that your capacity of infiltration and percolation are very strong. So my folders are nearly full now that my surface storage and base storage are full of your messages. So I do not have extra folder to keep your upcoming lovely messages. How long will I stay in to never get out in the drained off yet alpine wind that would sweep my emotions away in to the cold, blank, white snow sliding down into the isles of iced tears.

Sometimes, I really feel that you are so silly that you are sending me a lot of messages and make me worry about management and safekeeping when mine secrets are mined out by others that well my oils only to slip away in due time. So I feel sad and angry about you. My tears will up roughly and carry down our beautiful homes of nature and make many wounds on other people’s heart. You know well, these wounds that I made, take long to recover when draped in the fog of pride.

So people around me always blame and thunder, I did everything wrong, yet their light shines on no ground. So they took revenge on me by constructing big dams to flood my life in sentence unfolded and release many filthy things in my channels of rivers. So eventually it polluted our love and life together.
So I send this reply to you with a strong request that keep balance between you and me for having a happy and wonderful future.